I started writing this a month ago. I’ve been working for a month now and I don’t think I’m meant to talk about it online but I’m uninspired. I’m also not stressed at all. I’m still working out what my path is. I think I need to be in a room of more ideas and less spreadsheets.
Part of this is old draft and part is new thoughts a month later. This is such a diary entry vibe I’m sorry.
They told me at my interview that I had held many jobs. Most were temp. I have also moved around countries several times since my adult life started. I guess I tend to keep moving sideways.
Listening to my favourite podcast of the moment (Deep Read duh) a guest mentioned something about a similar feeling. I’ve always seen it as a slight flaw of mine however, they framed it as everything being a part of you as a whole, even if its a job, or a hobby, or a place you don’t live anymore. She also referenced a lot of this negative feeling comes from the pressure these days to have a personal brand, even if you don’t think you’re doing it you probably are. And that your personality isn’t a brand, but in-fact something that can just continue to change and grow with age and experience.
At my new job, I have to clock in and out. I’ve also become obsessed with my step count since having to sit in an office chair for 5h 5m and then 3h 26m every day. The little clock on my desktop shows me for how long I haven’t been moving, and my step count tells me what I do with my free time. Two measures of activity I have never thought so much about before. I used to time an ex boyfriend to see how long he’d take to get ready, clocking in and out of our time. I used to time an ex how long it would take him to message me when he woke up. I need to be less clocked in.
I think about time constantly. It’s my birthday the day after tomorrow, and also my six month anniversary of moving to New York. Birthdays are such a significant marker of time. My birthday last year, I was standing on the edge of a cliff of change. My birthday this year, I’ve jumped, I’m still falling, and I’m hoping I land soon.
I catch the subway halfway to work and walk the other half, I listen to a podcast every morning. This Annie Macmanus interview with Dolly Alderton I really loved. I honestly haven’t read any of Dolly’s books or columns, but listen to her podcast on Sex and the City which is why I wanted to listen to this. She talks about time in relation to how difficult she finds it to be in the present, holding deep nostalgia for the past, and ambition for the future. She then ties it to the only way she can feel present is when she exercises, only focusing on what you’re doing at the time and with a clear goal. I love when I hear someone else put my thoughts into words out loud.
I ran a half marathon last weekend. I signed up to it four days prior. It was the most mentally strong I’ve ever felt in a race, running is all mental at this point anyway. All I did was put one foot in front of the other for one hour and 55 minutes. A personal best. I told myself during the race I was allowed to think about whatever I wanted as long as my feet didn’t stop moving. I thought about how I’ve clocked out of you.
My trend report for soon to be 31 year old girl in new york (me)
I really sat here for a long time thinking about this. The key to the casual trend report is that you don’t have to think about it. It just comes. Definitely says something about my brain state at the moment. I go on holiday in a month. I’m mentally clocked out already. I need a little break from my life here. My parents asked me if I wanted to come home for a bit. I don’t.
swaggest video I’ve seen this week